If only hope...

Question

2007-05-03T15:30:00.000-05:00

Does it take more courage to live your dreams, or to let them die?

Imprisonment

2007-04-01T21:39:00.000-05:00

My raw fingers claw at the cold iron bars. They are bloody, but past all sensation of pain. For the despair in my heart never ceases to struggle, to fight for a way out of hiding. Though if despair is freed then all is lost, for despair is what has caged me here.

Night

2007-02-21T02:41:00.000-06:00

I sat at the crossroad, writing by the light of the waxing full moon. The night was peaceful. I heard the crickets in the grass singing their song. The coyotes joined in with their own rhythm-less melody from somewhere in the distance beyond the trees and hills.

The wind whispered through the trees playing the gentle percussion for the Song of the Night.

The night air wafted on by the delicate breeze brought with it the sweet scent of the night time forest, the rich earthen smell of dead wood and leaves, and the last faintest trace of the flowers from the day; their scent of now forgotten beauty barely lingering on the breath of the night.

The pale moon on my skin glowed with a chill light that filtered down to the warm blood coursing through my veins, chilling it, making me one with the night.

Chains

2007-02-13T17:15:00.000-06:00

At one point I fancied my heart wrapped in chains and protected by the logical workings of my mind. I have seen others ruined by a free heart that took them away from their previous designed course, and promised myself that such an affliction would not also be my downfall.

Many times I have thought theses chains to have tightened and their strength to have held my heart back from folly, but I discover now that the chains are not strong. My heart was then weak and already resigned to failure. It only longed for something that it knew it could not have, so it did not fight; it only pressed against the chains in protest.

Why must I be so contradictory as to want my chains to hold back my dreams? I had hoped that by finding distractions to divert my dreams I could avoid that ache and strain of having to bind them. My diversions have only caused more damage. They have given my heart a taste of what it wants, and now it is not content to remain there.

I fear that this gives it strength, and I fear what wild flights it will take when those feeble chains break.

Moments

2006-10-18T00:33:00.000-05:00

Life is made of little moments in time stitched together by the emotions in them. Sometimes I remember the little bits that seem vastly devoid of emotion. Emptiness can be a blessing when my life is too full of the things that will not matter soon.

Fullness of dreams and hopes that can never be brought to fruition are such a burden to a practical soul such as mine. Half of me craves for simple practicality; the other for wild adventurous quests into the unknown, full of danger, courage and honor. Maybe I read too many fantasy books. There has to be some middle ground! Can someone so divided ever be at peace?

Yet, sometimes I do find peace in the moments that I spend in music, books and nature. God’s creation is particularly easy to find peace in. Seeing the beauty and how it all fits together so well brings the calm knowledge that at least someone knows what is happening and why.

Stength

2006-08-04T09:40:00.000-05:00

Strength of the mind, heart, body and spirit is to be searched for with ferocity.

I am a weak person, but I do greatly desire to be strong.

I desire the strength of mind to seek knowledge and use wisdom.

I desire the strength of heart to know my feelings and to set them in their proper course.

I desire the strength of body to have endurance through surrounding adversities and the will to continue on past my limits.

I desire the strength of spirit to bring all of these together and use every ounce of my being to pursue my True Purpose.

Dreams

2005-12-27T00:20:00.000-06:00

Sometimes dreams are not found until they are no longer being searched for, after hope has been lost. It is easy to over look them at that point, but they can still be there.

Once a dream has been found it is not the end. There is still much work to be done, for that was only the beginning. Nothing happens by itself, dropped out of the darkness. Labor makes the accomplishment what it is.

Breathe

2005-12-10T11:56:00.000-06:00

My soul cries out from the middle of all of this, begging for a release that will never come. My soul longs to create music as the expression of itself.
Sometimes while I am listening to the radio, or singing in church or anywhere that there is music, I will almost start crying.

Music is my air.

I struggle to breathe in a world of pollution while someone is slowly strangling me.
Maybe one day I will pry the fingers from my throat and find clean sweet air.

Contrast

2005-10-25T01:13:00.000-05:00

What did she think?

This poor girl was laying here.

Was her life that bad?

Loosing her family was bad, but she still had herself.

Did she feel abandoned?

As long as there is life there is hope.

Was hope not good enough?

She was here sitting against the wall.

Did she want attention or to be noticed?

She was wearing her favorite shirt.

Did she think she had lost her future?

She had her legs curled under her.

Is this what she intended?

The blood is here on the floor.

Did she mean to hurt herself?

She said one thing, “Beautiful.”

I reached down, touched the blood, and saw through her eyes.

She whispered to me:

“Sometimes I scare myself. I can imagine in my mind a scene that would be grotesquely beautiful. I imagine the tender pale flesh of my forearm. I see the glint of a razor sharp blade. The picture plays through my mind as if I am watching it from a distance, disconnected. Pale light illuminates the scene. The blade makes a slow gentle stroke across the dance floor, painting the beautiful contrast of crimson against milky white. The color of life and the color of death mingle together on the pallet.”

But how can death be beautiful if you have to be alive to see beauty?

Time

2005-08-07T21:50:00.000-05:00

Time has a strange effect on those who watch it. It can move too quickly, too slowly, or almost come to a complete halt freezing the moment.

Often the minuets seem to blend together each one becoming the same as the previous and the next. We continue on through our lives; days, months, years. Some are good. Some are not. What is left in today that was not in yesterday? Nothing.

Yet the next day comes whether we are satisfied with today or not. Time continues onward inexorable.

Snowflakes all seem alike from a distance. All seem to be white dots, unimportant, insignificant within the sea of their brethren. Do the minuets, moments, seem any different? But upon inspection are they not all different, beautiful, intricate crystals of ice?

Hold each snowflake within its moment.

Hope

2005-06-24T00:46:00.000-05:00

Hope is something too many people take for granted, or do not understand. If I ask you what hope is, what is your reply? Is it like hoping you will find money on the ground, hoping you will pass the test when you did not study? Would you reply that it is something deeper?

In its true form hope is not something fickle or whimsical. Hope is that patient enduring expectation that something will happen, that strong knowing that what you await will come to pass.

We all must have hope, something in our future that reminds us to take one more step, one more breath, one more day.

Patience

2005-05-12T20:33:00.000-05:00

So often we forget that not everything can come instantly. In these recent days we have fast food, microwaves, fast cars, internet, e-mail, and the list goes on. We begin to expect that everything will come as easily as these things.

Step back and watch as events unfold. Don’t wait for things to happen, only expect that it will when it is time.

Take each minuet, hold it in its own moment, and realize it as something that will never come again. Don’t rush through your moments. Savor them. Each is like a snowflake, small, intricate, and so easily lost in the blizzard that is everyday life.

Patience is not inactivity. Patience is realizing you can not make the minuets move faster, and that you really don’t want to.

Futility

2005-04-16T00:13:00.000-05:00

The only way to conquer mediocrity is to refuse to accept it.

To refuse mediocrity you must make the conscious decision to improve whatever you have, no matter how small. Work is not to be a stranger, but a close friend on the march to the end of the journey.

Courage cannot be found lying in the street. I have to slowly gather it together, bit by bit, taking it one step at a time. I made a small step and the grain of courage has given me hope.

Hope is a frail thing. It has been challenged today. Circumstances have been battering it cruelly. I had tried, but variables beyond my control have made things almost impossible.

Another creature grows. It feeds on the broken shards that fall to the ground when hope has been beaten mercilessly. As it grows it moves on and begins to leech the courage from whatever was left of the hope.

How do I vanquish this creature; this Futility?

Honesty

2005-03-10T01:03:00.000-06:00

I work to improve, but to what avail? I cannot trust my judgment of my progression, nor the “kind” words of others; the words of one to withhold, or another to push forward.

What is to be the test of my measure?

Lies are what they are, no matter the intention. Their greatest power is to hurt and to damage. Untrue words, though kindly spoken, can have devastating effects.

I no longer know who to trust, who I can rely on for an honest answer. To improve I must know where I have erred. Criticism and firm words are essential to mold my gifts into talent.
I am afraid now to know how far, with the help of others, I have deluded myself.

Mediocrity

2005-03-07T00:27:00.000-06:00

My greatest foe is mediocrity.

I enjoy singing, drawing, writing poetry and stories. People say, “You do well.” But I want more from myself. I want that which I cannot have; I want excellence.

I would like to think the quality does not matter if it is something I enjoy, if it serves as my release. Some may be content with less then they are capable, or with the false one that seek to appease and comfort. I prefer harsh reality.

It is disheartening to be mediocre in so many things. Can I not have at least one thing in which I can excel?

Courage

2005-03-02T01:59:00.000-06:00

My lack of courage is my downfall. To succeed in any of my dreams I have to have the courage to take the first step.

I always tell myself that when the time comes I will step forward and make the decision.
I delude myself. I cannot wait for things to happen. I have to pray about it and then take the necessary steps.

We spend so much time waiting for the right moment that we miss the opportunity to make the right moment. There have been many times when the right moment did come but I shrank back and let it pass me by. I died inside everytime it happened. I watched my dream float past me down the river of life and I felt like I would drown.

I didn't though. Each day continued to follow the previous and my life went on.
All I can do now is pray for courage. Then maybe I won't have to wait for the next "right moment."

Song

2005-02-27T03:57:00.000-06:00

I love to sing; not singing along with the radio, pop or rock, but challenging pieces. I can lose myself in a different language, in an Italian aria.

I find much joy in training and molding my voice to improve it, learning to bend it to my will before letting it take me soaring above the clouds.

I haven't had enough training though. One of my dreams has been to have private lessons, but I could never afford it. I have such a burning desire to make my voice everything that it could be through work, discipline, and training. Nothing is sweeter that the fruit of those three.

God gives everyone their own gifts. Some of those gifts come very easily, others start out as a small spark that must be nurtured, fed, and fanned. I grow discouraged because I have no fuel nor fan.

Here it goes.

2005-02-20T01:57:00.000-06:00

It has taken me a while to build up the courage to post.

I created this blog to explore my hopes and dreams. I am burdened with being a dreamer and being to practical to allow my dreams to take form. This blog, I hope, will allow me to find some form of peace.

First Post

2005-02-05T01:56:00.000-06:00

I decided to start a blog so I can neglect it.

I also want a place were can rant to eveyone and no one when ever I so desire. It will only be the usual: saddness, depression, hope, longing, joy and happiness, or none of those at all.